A rough week...

This week has kind of been a bummer week. That's an understatement. I hope that the friends and family who've interacted with this week don't take this post personally. It's not anything that anyone has done. It's just my body. My chemicals.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about 4 years. I'm not going to pretend that I have the worst life ever because I don't! I don't hate my life one bit! I like to relate my depression to a physical illness. Somedays I get a flare up of depression/anxiety and I feel like I don't want to exist. Then there are the days when I feel "normal" and I like don't have a stupid chemical imbalance. Lately I've been flared up and it sucks.

This week has been a flared up week. I have had a pretty great week at my job but I don't feel like it was. I was going to go out to lunch today with my coworkers but instead I opted out of that and curled up like a hermit in my car. I ate Taco Bell and watched Netflix in my car in the rain... once in awhile that's not a bad scenario.. unfortunately when it's your common day to day lunch date.. that's pretty sad. I have spent countless nights not being able to fall asleep and when I eventually do fall asleep I have a difficult time waking up and, were it not for my wonderful and supportive husband, I would call in sick to work and hide in bed feeling dark. I have gone home early because I just cannot handle being at work and feeling the way I do.

I have two dogs. I talk about them A LOT!! I love them like my own flesh and blood. My dogs are part of my treatment for depression and anxiety. They give me a reason to get out of bed and to feed them, potty them, exercise them, groom them, care for their health. They love me and snuggle me and kiss me when I'm happy and sad and mad and confused. Even as I write this post, it's bringing out a lot of emotions, my girls will not leave me alone! They keep jumping up here to sit on my lap and put there paws on my hands, as if to say "Mom, pet me now." I know that I always have two wiggly, happy and excited girls to greet me when I come home.

Kahlua (Red Tri Australian Shepherd)

Kona (Black Tri Australian Shepherd)

Last Sunday I got to hear from the leaders in my church during General Conference. It is a gigantic feast of God's love and His word poured out upon the Earth. During GC I didn't think I was in a depressed state of mind but I can see some signs when I look back. Anyways, one of the talks that really hit home was a talk given by Jeffrey R Holland. He addressed the reality of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). It brought tears to my eyes and a warmth in my heart as I heard him speak the words "Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."

Jeffrey R Holland

I'm having a flare up of my depression at the present time and I may not be capable of feeling happy or love but I do KNOW that I am "in the hand of the divine potter" I KNOW that through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and His love for me I will some day be made whole. Body and Mind.

To read the full extent of the General Conference talk that I'm referencing go to this link. You will find this specific talk and SO MUCH MORE!!! http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&query=depression