A rough week...

This week has kind of been a bummer week. That's an understatement. I hope that the friends and family who've interacted with this week don't take this post personally. It's not anything that anyone has done. It's just my body. My chemicals.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about 4 years. I'm not going to pretend that I have the worst life ever because I don't! I don't hate my life one bit! I like to relate my depression to a physical illness. Somedays I get a flare up of depression/anxiety and I feel like I don't want to exist. Then there are the days when I feel "normal" and I like don't have a stupid chemical imbalance. Lately I've been flared up and it sucks.

This week has been a flared up week. I have had a pretty great week at my job but I don't feel like it was. I was going to go out to lunch today with my coworkers but instead I opted out of that and curled up like a hermit in my car. I ate Taco Bell and watched Netflix in my car in the rain... once in awhile that's not a bad scenario.. unfortunately when it's your common day to day lunch date.. that's pretty sad. I have spent countless nights not being able to fall asleep and when I eventually do fall asleep I have a difficult time waking up and, were it not for my wonderful and supportive husband, I would call in sick to work and hide in bed feeling dark. I have gone home early because I just cannot handle being at work and feeling the way I do.

I have two dogs. I talk about them A LOT!! I love them like my own flesh and blood. My dogs are part of my treatment for depression and anxiety. They give me a reason to get out of bed and to feed them, potty them, exercise them, groom them, care for their health. They love me and snuggle me and kiss me when I'm happy and sad and mad and confused. Even as I write this post, it's bringing out a lot of emotions, my girls will not leave me alone! They keep jumping up here to sit on my lap and put there paws on my hands, as if to say "Mom, pet me now." I know that I always have two wiggly, happy and excited girls to greet me when I come home.

Kahlua (Red Tri Australian Shepherd)

Kona (Black Tri Australian Shepherd)

Last Sunday I got to hear from the leaders in my church during General Conference. It is a gigantic feast of God's love and His word poured out upon the Earth. During GC I didn't think I was in a depressed state of mind but I can see some signs when I look back. Anyways, one of the talks that really hit home was a talk given by Jeffrey R Holland. He addressed the reality of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). It brought tears to my eyes and a warmth in my heart as I heard him speak the words "Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."

Jeffrey R Holland

I'm having a flare up of my depression at the present time and I may not be capable of feeling happy or love but I do KNOW that I am "in the hand of the divine potter" I KNOW that through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and His love for me I will some day be made whole. Body and Mind.

To read the full extent of the General Conference talk that I'm referencing go to this link. You will find this specific talk and SO MUCH MORE!!! http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&query=depression

Arachnophobia

I wouldn't consider myself to have arachnophobia... but when you can pretty much assume to find a black widow and/or hobo spider in your doorway every week, you get a little creeped out. It's like that feeling you get when you go to kill a spider and you lose it and then your body starts itching all over like it's crawling on you!! AHHHHH!!! I hate that! Well, I've been killing so many spiders around my house the last few weeks and I've been in a constant state of the "i think a spider is crawling all over me" feeling. It's not cool.

Yeah.. That's what it feels like.. You find one and you can imagine the hundreds of babies embedded everywhere.

I've been posting pics on Facebook and Instagram of the nasty little buggers around my house and complaining about how my landlord has not sprayed since I asked him 3 or 4 months ago... I know, it's annoying to listen to a complainer. I hate it and yet, I do it. Ugh, I'm the worst hypocrite you'll ever meet.

Yep! I am, and then you can meet Jesus! He loves you!

These are the beauties I've found at my door the last two weeks :)

Don't worry, this isn't just a post to complain about spiders. I just got in touch with my landlord and he said he will call someone to come over this week. If that is not the case then I will have to take matters into my own hands.. my own, rubber glove laden, insecticide holding hands. I will scout out their webs by day, purchase my warfare tools in preparation, and carryout my strategy of destruction by night.

I do apologize to those who love spiders and all creeping things. I have two curious dogs that I must protect and these spiders are encroaching too close to my domicile. I'm sorry dear spiders. After I've completed my mission to annihilate all black widows from the premises I will watch a documentary on your species about all the good you do so that I can honor your memory. 

Leaving my Comfort Zone

Today at work, I was sitting with a new friend. With encouragement from a mutual friend she began to tell me all about her dating drama and mishaps. At the end of her stories I think she felt a little embarrassed but jokingly made a comment like, "well, now you know my life story..." I felt bad that I hadn't offered some of my embarrassing life but at the same time I didn't want to make her feel like it was a 'my horse is bigger than your horse' conversation. It's kind of a bad habit of mine and I try to be aware of myself and how I converse with others so as to NOT annoy people and NOT drive people away. Anyways, I joked back with "Oh I'll write you a book now about my embarrassing stories and we'll be even." THAT is where I finally had to admit that I would be starting a blog.. What?! Who does that? Fashionistas, cool moms, fitness freaks, and gamer nerds. Not ex-hairdressers... I make fun of people who write blogs.. and here I am.. writing.. a blog.... I'm going to do my best here to:

1) Not care what anyone thinks. I mean, how many people are really going to read this anyways... and for the few people who do mistakenly stumble across this and don't like it or get offended then go away! Why spend you time getting worked up over some opinion/thought/feeling someone else is expressing.

2) Be as honest as I possibly can be. Some exaggerations are necessary for storytelling though and I will do that. This means that, at times, my posts might be funny.. or very dark.... and quite possibly boring. I don't want to project a completely perfect-happy-life or a depressing-twisted-existence. Neither scenarios are real and I want to be real.

3) Not use other people's names and respect their privacy.