Unexpecting

It's about time I dust this old blog off and write something. This post has been bouncing around in my head for quite a few months and I've been putting it off over and over again. I've been nervous about what I would say, how things will come across and do I really want others knowing what's been going on in my personal life? I've also been thinking that this would be good for me to write about it and this would be a big part of the healing process or maybe I could say something and someone would reach out to me that I could speak to, connect with or maybe help them in their struggle. Whatever this post turns out to be, whoever reads it and whatever the outcome may be I am doing this anyway.

About nine months ago I started on what I thought would be one of the greatest adventures of my life. I found myself unexpectedly expecting! Matt and I weren't on the same page about starting our family quite yet but he was so excited to find out the news and even though we weren't prepared we started to make all the decisions and plans for adding a baby to our family. We decided on prenatal care, told our family and even got prepared with a photo of our dogs with a caption "nannies in training: May 2016" ready to post to social media so we could tell the world! One day, everything was fine and the next day I was in the ER being told that it looks like my pregnancy was on its way out. Over the next few days I was in the most excruciating pain both physically and emotionally.

Life started to get back to normal and pretty soon babies were on the brain again. It didn't take long to get pregnant, thankfully, once Matt and I agreed it would be the best decision to try. Things were a bit different this time around and I loved every time a wave a nausea would hit or I'd walk down the stairs and have to hug my chest because my boobs were sore, haha. I didn't have any issues that occurred around the time they occurred last time. This time I made it to my first prenatal appointment and because I chose to have my prenatal care at a birth center they don't perform ultrasounds themselves. Matt and I were so excited and a little nervous to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. The midwife unfortunately couldn't find the heartbeat and scheduled a second appointment to try again in case the pregnancy wasn't as far along as we thought. At the next appointment she tried for an hour and still, we heard nothing. She worked her magic and got us an appointment immediately, after a clinic was closed, to get an ultrasound. That's the first time I ever heard the words 'blighted ovum'. Essentially, a sperm and egg come together, implant into the uterus but an embryo doesn't develop. The body continues to act as if the pregnancy is 100% normal and leads the mother to believe that everything is perfect. My body was not recognizing that there wasn't a baby so I had to have surgery to evacuate the contents of my uterus.

I've spent so much time asking questions I will probably never have answered. I have so many fears about the future. I have restrained myself from screaming "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" to anyone who has ever told me "at least you know you can get pregnant..."

It has taken a lot of crying, a lot of dog cuddling, a lot of angry shouting and a LOT of french fries to work through everything I've been feeling. I am so lucky that I have been surrounded by the most amazing family and friends to support me in person and from a distance. Especially my mom. She's been incredible to me since day one and hasn't let up on her awesome mom skills for a second. My coworkers have all stepped up to pick up the slack when I had to be out of the office unexpectedly. My dear friends who've let me cry on their shoulders and those who've dealt with me being a little distant because it may be a bit too much for me to handle at this time. My sweet husband. He's had to put up with so much from me for years of talking his ear off about babies, and most recently about all my fears, ovulation cycles and all of the stuff that goes along with pregnancy and miscarriage. He had to miss school and make up for it because he's been by my side through all of this.

I feel like I'm in a good place now. It doesn't mean that I'm healed, I have come to the conclusion I never will be. I don't think I want to be either. I will always carry my babies in my heart forever. I believe that some day I will meet them. I will get the chance to mother them and hold them in my arms.

Before I went through this I knew people that this had happened to and honestly didn't know what to say or how to show them my support. The best thing anyone can do is to simply say "I'm so sorry you're going through this." Honestly, that means the most to me. Sometimes there are feelings that can't be put into words and that's ok. I can feel the love and support. People have asked if there's anything they can do to help and to answer that question, there's not much to DO other than to be there.